Who Should Direct "Cinderella"?

Yesterday brought the announcement that Mark Romanek had dropped out of Disney's new "Cinderella" adaptation, the one where Cate Blanchett is playing the evil stepmother. Mark Romanek previously directed "Never Let Me Go" and "One Hour Photo," as well as several well-regarded music videos, and is known for his strong visual style and edgy aesthetic bent. It's no mystery why Disney would want to work with him. However, the director's vision was apparently darker than what Disney had in mind, and the general reaction of most observers has been, well, of course it was. I think I'm in the minority in that I'm genuinely disappointed that Disney and Romanek couldn't come to terms. I wanted to see what that "Cinderella" would have looked like. Pairing up a more artistically daring director with mainstream material can yield some interesting results. Sure, Tarsem Singh's "Mirror, Mirror" was pretty weightless fluff, but it was more visually interesting and thematically sound than that other Snow White movie that came out last year. And I continue ot defend Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" for the voluptuous art design at least.

Directors have a tendency to be pigeonholed more than anyone likes to admit, and much more in modern times than they were in the old days. It used to be that directors had their specialties, but it wasn't that odd to find John Ford directing a comedy or Howard Hawks directing a musical. I've often wondered what would happen if some of our celebrated directors of action movies and heavy dramas had to work with something a little lighter and frillier and more... Disney. So as the Mouse House searches for someone to replace Romamek, I've been pondering over what "Cinderella" might look like if some more unorthodox names were under consideration:

Wes Anderson's Cinderella - Stars Kara Hayward as Cindy, an awkward preteen with a penchant for David Bowie songs, sweater vests, and philately. In order to spend time with her one true love, Fred Charming, during her spring break, she has to infiltrate his private school in the guise of a French foreign exchange student. One thing leads to another, and Cindy ends up competing in a junior jitterbug dance competition against Fred. Angelica Houston plays the stepmother, a complicated soul, whose meanness is really only a defense mechanism.

Christopher Nolan's Cinderella - Stars Ellen Page as Alice Rendl, a brilliant young software designer caught in a web of corporate espionage and intrigue. Joan Allen plays the stepmother, the icy CFO of a major international conglomerate that is trying to get their hands on a new virtual reality program, "Glass Slipper," that has fallen into Alice's lap. Can she unlock its secrets and uncover the secret identity of the hacker Charming before the police come to arrest her at midnight? Will she finally be able to face reality? What is reality?

David Lynch's Cinderella - Stars Amanda Seyfried as Rella, a sweet girl in a small town yearning to fall in love. Unfortunately she's under the strict employ of her unhappy, repressed stepmother, played by Laura Dern, proprietress of a small nursing home for retired circus performers. Rella's only friends are seven dwarf brothers who used to do a tumbling act. One night she has disturbing dreams of a man with a pumpkin for a head, giant mice acting out scenes of suburban domesticity, and lizards speaking backward. Then the universe collapses in on itself with disturbing elegance.

The Coen Brothers' Cinderella - Stars Hailee Steinfeld as Ellie, a stubborn young woman who decides she's destined to marry the boy next door, and plots to run away with him. Alas, he mysteriously disappears before they can depart. Frances McDormand plays the stepmother, who spends the first act threatening Ellie with bodily harm when she ducks out of helping with the decorations for the annual cotillion. In a twist, she turns up murdered, so Ellie must sets out on a journey into the seedy depths of suburban Ohio to find the killers, encountering one colorful character after another in her search.

Quentin Tarantino's Cinderella - Stars Chloe Moretz as Cinders, a teenage assassin out for revenge. Her mission is to kill the evil stepmother played by – who else? Uma Thurman – the secret leader of an international organization of neo-Nazi supervillains. The ball is merely a set-up, and Cinders is really there to rescue Prince Charming, fulfilling an old promise to her mentor in the killing arts, the Fairy Godmother. This requires dueling her stepmother to the death using shards of the glass slippers, and her mother's heirloom Hattori Hanzo sword.

Michael Bay's Cinderella – Stars Rosie Huntington-Whiteley as Cinderella Johnson, personal assistant to a brilliant industrialist named Mr. Charming, who is secretly a government agent. His identity is compromised and terrorists take Cinderella hostage, just as aliens attack the earth and all machines become sentient and turn on humanity. Cinderella and Mr. Charming spend three hours running for their lives, crashing expensive cars, and blowing up anything that moves. Cinderella is in a negligee and glass high heels the entire time, but her lipstick never gets smudged.

Lars von Trier's Cinderella - Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that was "Melancholia."
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