My Least Anticipated Films of 2013

2013 will be a year of good films, but it will also be a year of bad, lazy, awful films. It's inevitable, with a schedule full of more remakes, sequels, and unnecessary adaptations. Now, before we get into specifics, I add the caveat here that you can't always judge a film by its tagline and cast list. Last year, there were some real surprises among the films I'd initially written off, like "21 Jump Street" and "Madagascar 3." However, by and large the films that looked like dreck proved to be dreck. So this is the last time you'll likely see any of the following films mentioned on this blog.

The Horror, The Horror - As usual, the horror genre has some of the worst of the worst offenders. "Texas Chainsaw 3D," is the seventh film in the "Texas Chainsaw" series, and if you can figure out whether it's a sequel, remake, reboot, or all three at once, good for you. "Scary Movie 5" resurrects a franchise that nobody wanted to see resurrected, seven years after the last installment. And to add insult to injury, there's a competing horror spoof, "A Haunted House," coming in January, starring former "Scary Movie" writer/star Marlon Wayans. And not unexpected, but still completely superfluous are sequels "Insidious Chapter 2," "Paranormal Activity 5," and "The Last Exorcism 2." Finally, I am trying to hold out some hope for the reboots of "Carrie" and "Evil Dead," but that hope is fading fast.

The Leftovers - More than a few observers noted that 2012 was unusual for the number of releases that were pushed back to 2013. "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters" was delayed from last March, to the dead of January, which is never a good sign. "G.I. Joe: Retaliation," of course, was scheduled for last summer and delayed so it could undergo some reshooting and a 3D conversion. Rumor is that the original version tested so badly, the studio took the unusual step of pulling it barely a month before its old release date. "Jack the Giant Slayer" has a lot of good talent attached, including director Bryan Singer, so there's a chance that it could be decent. However, Warner Brothers decided to push it back to March from last summer too, and all the previews so far have looked absolutely terrible. Finally, Marc Forster's "World War Z" with Brad Pitt was supposed to be released during the holiday season, but it was delayed to this June to allow an extensive rewrite of its third act.

Mind the Gap - Among the plentiful sequels and prequels this year are a couple of real head-scratcher follow-up films. Why are we getting a third "Riddick" film now, nine years after "The Chronicles of Riddick" only did so-so at the box office? And sure, "300" was a hit, but how does a barely related prequel released six years later make any sense? "Sin City: A Dame to Kill For" comes eight years after the original, and if it had been made a few years earlier I might be anticipating it. However, the output of Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller has been so underwhelming in the interim, I can't work up much enthusiasm. I may despair of "Fast and Furious 6," "The Hangover Part III," and "Grown Ups 2," but at least I understand why those sequels exist – they're following up recent films that made obscene amounts of money at the box office. "Riddick"? Not so much.

The Kids Deserve Better - Finally, we come to the movies aimed at younger audiences. Parents can look forward to dreading "One Direction Concert Movie 3D," "The Smurfs 2," and the "Percy Jackson" sequel, which was handed off to the director of "Diary of a Wimpy Kid." However, the year's biggest disaster in the making may be The Weinstein Company's "Escape From Planet Earth," an animated film which is currently the subject of a lawsuit between the producers and some of the primary creative talent that was fired from the project. The production, according to various court documents, was a disaster of epic proportions, and the lawsuit and the surrounding gossip will almost certainly more entertaining than the finished film is going to be.

Now in 3D - Among this year's 3D rereleases will be "Top Gun" and the second and third "Star Wars" prequels. I found all the fighter pilot sequences in "Top Gun" extremely underwhelming when I watched the film a few years ago, and it's pretty obvious that the actors are never anywhere in the same vicinity as the planes. I don't know how 3D is going to help matters. As for the "Star Wars" films, I suspect the releases are only happening because the conversions were already underway by the time the mediocre returns for the 3D "Phantom Menace" came in.

Brace for impact kids. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
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